Last night I was suffering from a fine case of insomnia and during the course of the long night I came up with a brilliant idea. And so, here are 5 things about yours truly that I have never mentioned in my 6 year history of blogging.
1. I sing all the time.
No, seriously. ALL.THE.TIME. I sing where normal people sing - in the car, in the shower, when I'm alone in the house - but I also sing everywhere else too. I sing while I'm doing chores, gardening, while Ben's making dinner, when I'm visiting with friends, while I'm watching TV (mostly just during the commercials though), at work, and out in the general public. Once, while I was standing in the vegetable section of Safeway trying to decide between broccoli stalks and broccoli crowns, a man picking out some cauliflower beside me, complimented me on my singing voice. If he hadn't been approximately 97 years old I would have totally hit that.Oh, and if I'm not out and out singing, I'm usually humming. I've been like this my entire life. I drove my family CRAZY when I was younger. The only time I don't sing is when I'm sleeping and when I'm in a bad mood. And I have to be in a wretchedly bad mood not to sing. In the 12+ years I have known Ben he has NEVER asked me to cork it with the singing. Whether he actually enjoys the way I spontaneously burst into show tunes (or opera, or country, or pop...) at odd moments or is just excellent at tuning it out, I'll never know. But I do know that his tolerance to my singing is in the top 5 list of things I love about him most.
2. I've never broken a single bone.
Once, when I was younger I was riding on the back of an ATV with my cousin Scott while wearing flip-flops. Take a bit of advice from me people - one should never wear flip-flops while riding on the back of an ATV. The edge of my flip-flop caught the back wheel of the ATV and dragged my leg back and over and up and around the wheel (or something to that effect; I'm not entirely positive what happened to my leg mostly because I was distrated by the immediate and excruciating pain). The flesh on my leg was shredded from ankle to knee and I had to use crutches for about a month but nothing was broken. I have freakishly strong bones y'all.Incidentally, I totally lied to my mom about what happened so that Scott and I wouldn't get in trouble. I told her that I had tripped while walking. Tripped. While walking. That was the best I could come up with. Obviously my imagination (and my lying ability) has improved with time. My mom just looked at me like, "Bitch, please." but let it go, probably because it was the middle of the night and she had just gotten home from a 12 hour shift at the hospital. But the next morning when my leg was swollen to twice it's normal size and oozing all sorts of interesting bodily fluids, she made me tell the truth. And then I got in an enormous amount of trouble for lying. ENORMOUS. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there - lying to your mom is never a good idea.
3. I love to dance. And I am terrible at it.
I suffer from a truly stunning lack of rhythm, balance and coordination. I've mentioned my clumsiness before and that also hinders my ability to dance. I literally cannot walk and chew gum at the same time. I run into doors and walls and cages and other people all the time. If I lift one foot off the ground I immediately start to tip over. Spinning in a circle makes me immediately dizzy - hell just thinking about spinning in a circle makes me dizzy. I'm obssessed with shows like Dancing With the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance because I want to be able to dance like that. Sadly, I never will. Ben says that we should take dance lessons but I am afraid that with my giant feet and lack of rhythm, one of us will end up with broken body parts. And since I have freakishly strong bones...4. When I was in my early twenties I nearly died from an ingrown hair.
I was living on my own by that point and one morning I woke up and realized that my leg was kind of sore. In fact, it was so sore I was limping. Upon investigation, I discovered a large red bump on the inside of my upper thigh, just above my knee. It was so painful to the touch that I had to wear a skirt to work that day; my pant leg brushing against it was like being brushed with fire. I went to my family physician later that day, assuming it was like, I dunno, a boil or something, and that she would give me some ointment for it and send me on my way. She took one long look at it, probed at it gently with her fingers and then gave me a strange look.Dr. Meg: Kelly, you need to go to the hospital right now.
Me: I have to go back to work.
Dr. Meg: No, you have to go to the hospital. I am not kidding about this. Do not go back to work, go straight to the hospital.
Me: Um...okay?
Dr. Meg: See how it's red all around the lump? I'm going to take this pen and mark where the red is.
Me: Why?
Dr. Meg: It's an easy way to let us know how quickly the red is spreading.
Me: Oh.
Dr. Meg: I'll call ahead and let the infectious disease people know you're coming.
Me: Infectious disease?? Am I dying? I'm dying aren't I?
Dr. Meg: *pauses* Nooo but you have a really bad strep infection.
Me: Strep infection? My throat's not sore!
Dr. Meg: Sweet Jesus Kelly, stop arguing with me and get your ass to the hospital right now.
When I arrived at the hospital the infectious disease people were indeed expecting me. I was hustled into a room and a stern looking doctor and an intern showed up within minutes. The stern looking doctor examined my leg for a few minutes, poking and prodding at the lump with me hollering/crying in pain every time he touched it. He frowned at the pen marks and asked when they had been made. At that point, the red had nearly doubled in size and was well past the pen marks Dr. Meg had made. When I told him about 20 minutes ago, he made a loud grunt of alarm and turned to his intern:
Infectious Disease Doctor: If we start her on IV antibiotics immediately; there's a chance we'll be able to save the leg.
Me: *blink, blink*
Infectious Disease Doctor: She's allergic to penicillin so let's try her on clindamycin. It should be powerful enough to knock back the infection.
Me: Um, I'm starting to feel slightly alarmed here.
Infectious Disease Doctor: Have you had clindamycin before young lady?
Me: No, but if I may - did you say there's a chance you'll be able to save my leg? Because it sounded like you said that but obviously I have misheard you.
Infectious Disease Doctor: You heard me correctly.
Me: Am I dying? I'm dying aren't I?
Infectious Disease Doctor: You have an extremely serious strep infection that is on the verge of turning into flesh eating disease. We're going to start IV antibiotics today. If we're lucky and caught it in time and if the antibiotics are powerful enough you'll keep your leg. If it doesn't work and it turns into flesh-eating disease, best case scenario - you lose your leg. Worse case scenario - you die. Do you understand me?
Me: Perfectly. Also, do you have a bucket I can vomit into?
Infectious Disease Doctor: You can vomit after we get an IV into you and start the antibiotics.
Obviously the treatment worked as I have all 4 limbs but it was hands down the scariest moment of my life. After a few days of having an IV lodged in my hand and going twice a day to the infectious disease center to have antibiotics pumped into my body, the doctor actually ended up lancing the lump (at that point, the most painful experience of my entire life) and apparently it was full of an astonishing amount of pus. Oh, and turns out that I was also allergic to the clindamycin but it had already knocked back a significant amount of the infection before I turned into a giant walking rash and had to switch to yet another antibiotic.
And how did I get this strep infection in my leg you ask? An ingrown hair. Apparently shaving can cause ingrown hairs. It's quite common and happens to a lot of people. Only in my case I nearly died from an ingrown hair. Could you imagine how lame that would sound in an obituary? Seriously, I would have been all, "Tell them I was killed pushing a small child out of the path of a speeding bus."
