Goon

So here's a "not so secret" secret about me.  I hate hockey.  Not very Canadian of me huh?  Although, according to Ben and a study he read, Canadians who play and/or watch the sport of hockey only ranks at about 20% whereas Canadians who play and/or watch golf ranks much, much higher.  Of course, I also hate golf so... still not very Canadian.

There are many things I hate about hockey but one of the major ones is the fighting.  I find it boring and stupid and pointless.  Just get out there and chase your little rubbery puck thing around the ice with your big wooden stick okay? 

So you can imagine Ben's surprise when Saturday night I told him I wanted to go and see the movie "Goon".  A movie about hockey.  In fact, not just hockey but FIGHTING in hockey.  See, Pajiba had given it an amazing review and although I hate hockey I tend to like "sports" movies.  Especially if it's a movie about an "underdog".  Also, I like to keep Ben on his toes when it comes to knowing shit about me.  I am a woman of mystery no?

I was pretty sure I would like it and confident that Ben would like it and I was right.  Goon is a movie about violence in hockey and there's an abundance of blood spraying and teeth flying out of random people's mouths and I loved every moment of it.  It's similar to Slapshot (a movie I HATE) but there's a sweetness to it that Slapshot failed to achieve.   Most of that sweetness comes from the main character but there's plenty of humour and heart from the entire cast.

Because this post isn't actually about the movie Goon, I'll stop gushing about it and leave you with a simple "Go see this movie."  You won't regret it.

What this post is actually about is what happened at the theatre.  As you can imagine, a movie theatre on St. Patrick's Day isn't what you would call "popular" so we weren't surprised when we arrived at the movie and discovered we were the only 2 people in the theatre for Goon.  We had sat there for about five minutes when a short blonde woman entered the theatre and stood beside us.

Woman:  You have got to be kidding me.

Ben:  Not too busy tonight huh?

Woman:  I can't believe it.

Ben:  Feel free to sit wherever you'd like.

Woman:  I'm sitting next to you guys.

Me and Ben:  *laugh*

Woman:  I'm not kidding.  Move over.

Me:  *stares blankly and then shrugs before standing to let her pass*

Sure enough, in a theatre entirely empty except for Ben and I, the woman plopped herself down in the seat directly beside Ben.

Woman:  I've never been to a movie by myself before and I'm not starting tonight.

Ben:  Um, okay.

Woman:  My husband should be with me.  We got free tickets to this movie but then we got in a fight and I finally just said, "Fuck you." and came to the movie by myself.

Ben:  That's nice.

Me:  *loudly whispers* Is she drunk?

Ben:  *nods and eats a handful of popcorn*

Woman:  Can you believe they want $5 for a bag of popcorn? 

Ben:  Pretty expensive.

We sat there in awkward silence for about 5 minutes and then:

Woman:  I'm going to get some popcorn.

10 minutes later, she was back with a large bag of popcorn.  She waved cheerily to us from the end of the row, we waved back.  She slid back into her seat, spilling popcorn on herself, Ben and Ben's drink.  As she picked popcorn out of Ben's lap and off his drink, another man entered the theatre and sat behind us.

Woman:  Hey, someone else!

She waved at him, he stared blankly at her before looking at the screen where the movie was starting.  The woman picked more popcorn off Ben's lap before shoving it into her mouth. 

I settled in, confident our movie experience was about to be ruined by a slightly tipsy woman and happy that Ben was sitting next to her and not me.  He tends to be amused by inappropriate, drunk people while I'm more inclined to punch them in the face.

Surprisingly, other than a few bouts of loud conversation about events in the movie she was fairly well behaved.  Of course, halfway through the movie there was this:

Woman:  This is a really funny movie huh?

Ben:  Yup.

Woman:  Listen, you're Kurt for the night.  Okay?

Ben:  Sure.

Me:  *loudly whispers*  Kurt!  I'm thirsty, pass me the drink!

As Ben passed me the drink, I took a huge slurp, nearly choking with laughter as the woman elbowed "Kurt" in the side at a particularly funny part.  Throughout the movie, I giggled as Ben was continually elbowed at all the funny parts.  Near the end of the movie, I grabbed Ben's hand and held it tightly, glancing over to see the woman holding his other arm in a death grip. 

Me:  *loudly whispers* Good job you're holding your drink in your hand Kurt.  I'm pretty sure she'd be holding it if you weren't.

Ben:  *loudly whispers back*  I wanted to get my drink in my hand, in case she tried to roofie me.

Me:  *laughs hysterically*

As the credits rolled, we gathered our stuff and stood up.

Woman:  Hey thanks guys!  That was a lot of fun!

Ben and I:  Yeah!  Nice meeting you.

Then we ran like hell from the theatre.